THE CUTLERY KILLER

She circled the room, getting a feel for the layout, gauging the temperature of the anxious guests. The patio doors had been thrown open inviting the visitors to meander back and forth between the hall and the picturesque setting of the lush flower gardens. The aroma of spring flowers comingled with the smells of the banquet hall, distracting her for a fraction.

Hoping to blend with the large group, she hung back unobtrusively. The icy weight of the weapon in her hand burned her sweaty palm. It was surprisingly heavy for such an ordinary object; sterling silver, no doubt. Nothing but the best, she mused. It boggled the mind, the unimaginable damage that could be done with so ordinary a utensil as a dinner fork. She placed a quieting hand over her ample bosom to still the abnormal thump of her heart.

The waistband of her black skirt dug painfully into her mid-section, momentarily stealing her focus and her breath. The combined body heat from the crowd and anticipation of her mission dotted her upper lip with a slight sheen of perspiration.

Breathe normally, she admonished herself. You’re a pro being paid for a job. Don’t overthink it … just get in there and do it!

Spotting the target, she maneuvered her way through the throng to gain a better vantage point. Drawing closer, every detail of her intended prey was clearly visible.  Running her tongue over her lips, the flavor of her fruity lip gloss lingered, teasing her taste buds. She hungered for the kill. She tugged on the edges of her suit jacket with her free hand to cover the slight roll threatening to escape its tight binding.

Bumped suddenly from behind, she turned and all color drained from her perfectly made up face. Reverend O’Dell’s pudgy wife, Doris, and her equally pudgy daughter, Precious, stared at her accusingly. Her cover blown, she scanned the room for the nearest exit.

Her conscience wrestled within – abort the mission or full steam ahead? Warring emotions and her deceased mother’s words rang loud and clear in her head, “Manners matter, dear.”  In the end it was no contest. Propriety won out.

“So good to see you,” the frumpy duo chimed in unison.

“And you,” she gushed back with forced enthusiasm. With precision reflexes, she transferred the weapon to her opposite hand pulling it up her sleeve out of sight, freeing her right hand to shake each of theirs.

After an exchange of polite chitchat with the chunky minions of judgment, she excused herself. Seeking refuge in the nearest ladies room, her ears burned from their accusatory inquiries.

“What are you doing here,” they’d asked. Unspoken condemnation wrinkled their noses with a stench all its own.

Retreating to the safety of the restroom, she locked the door against unwanted intruders. Placing the fork on the counter, she unbuttoned her suit jacket releasing the roll of flesh from its polyester prison for a brief respite. Grabbing a towel, she blotted the dampness clinging to her jowly cheeks and upper lip.

She should never have agreed to this mission. The eventual outcome could prove far too dangerous. It wasn’t that she lacked confidence in her ability to complete the assignment. She’d committed more heinous acts than this in the past. This was nothing!  This job would be a piece of cake for her.

Cake. Hah! Good one, she thought.  But, there was no denying the recent doubts. The physical demands the job required were taking a toll on her body. Lifting a hand to smooth her hair, a button on her blouse popped open against the strained fabric. A sausage roll of exposed flesh hung over her waistband confirming her fears.

Maybe it is time to retire she sighed.

Leaning forward with both hands on the counter, she stared at her reflection shuddering at the revulsion reflected back at her. She pulled the taut fabric together praying the button would tether her bulge long enough to see this thing through.  Buttoning her suit jacket against the excesses of her midriff, she silently rebuked the Reverend’s wife and daughter for fueling her doubts.

It was only natural they would be surprised by her presence here. This was a far cry from their usual Wednesday night meeting place. She should have asked them what they were doing here.

She picked up the sterling silver weapon of impending destruction, tracing the intricate pattern adorning the hilt. The urge to plunge the cutlery into her center was fleeting, but powerful. No, she mustn’t waiver. Standing up straight, she smoothed her skirt over her generous hips and berated herself for her momentary weakness. She willed her thoughts to return to her mission, steeling herself for what she knew she must do.

Rehearsing her training, she mentally checked off each practiced step. Her confidence returned soothing her like a good Scotch whisky erasing anxiety.  Her body relaxed. A light tapping on the door jarred her from her reverie and sent a surge of adrenaline coursing through her veins.

“Excuse me, Aggie. Are you all right, dearie?” The unmistakable voice of the spry octogenarian sounded forceful, belying her 84 years.

“Just a minute,” her voice came out harsher than intended.

It was time. She quashed the internal conflict raging within. Checking her appearance from all angles, her innocuous piece of cutlery in hand, she rejoined the group.

The crowd parted unaware of the massacre about to take place. Once begun, there would be no turning back. She knew herself well enough to know she would perform this mission with speed, accuracy and absolute efficiency; a well-choreographed dance of precision, no doubt. The Reverend’s wife Doris and Precious should be afraid. They should all be very afraid. When all was said and done, would there be anyone left to help pick up the pieces she wondered.

Seduced by the power she wielded, the air in the room created an intoxicating blend of supreme authority and a heady sense of domination. Approaching her intended victim, she realized with sadness there would be more than one casualty today.  Rigid and focused, she stood beside the Mistress of Ceremonies and prepared to do her worst.

The speaker tapped the microphone, producing an ear-screeching squeal inviting complaints from the bystanders.

“Ladies … we are so honored to have Mayor Agnes Schwump with us today.  Please help me welcome her and thank her for agreeing to act as Judge for our Ladies Aide Society Spring Social. She did such an outstanding job judging last month’s cookie bake-off; we couldn’t wait to call on her again for our cake and pie competition. I happen to have it on good authority that Mayor Aggie’s first place choice of Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut Cookies, is going to be featured in the new issue of the Ladies of Bixby Cookbook.

“Mayor Aggie seems to have a God-given knack for picking winners!  I for one can’t wait for her to taste my Double Ripple Raspberry Swirl Cheesecake,” she twittered like a teenage girl.

“Now, I know you all are anxious for the Mayor to get started and she promises to give each dessert equal consideration. Including the low-calorie pound cake submitted by the Reverend O’Dell’s wife, Doris and her daughter, Precious … which by the way, is a recipe they created especially for their Wednesday night Overeaters Anonymous weight loss group.  And remember, Mayor … low calorie does not mean low taste!”  She flashed a toothy denture grin and a quick wink to the Reverend’s wife.

Drawing a steadying breath, Agnes pasted a smile on her face, intent on her assault. She mentally itemized her plan of attack. She would begin with the cheesecake in the center and work counter-clockwise from there until everything was destroyed.  With a death-like grip on her fork, she approached the table with reserved aplomb. It would be necessary to pace herself.  She would need strength for the slaughter.

Sixty-five desserts lay before her artfully displayed. No confection would be overlooked. She was being paid well to carry out her mission; a honey-baked ham and unlimited shoe rental at the Bixby Bowl-a-rama was nothing to sneeze at. She was honor-bound to see this through to the end – no matter the personal cost and sacrifice. It would probably get ugly and most likely she would suffer for it later.  But she would not back down.

Possessed with a will of its own, her fork lunged for the first victim. With a certainty borne of experience, Agnes knew the carnage would be absolute. All would suffer the wrath of her fork.

Aided by her weapon of warfare, she paused inhaling the essence of her first casualty perched on the end of the silver tines. Opening her mouth, she plunged the weapon home and swallowed savoring the taste of pure sin disguised in ripples of raspberry.

A devilish grin contorted her smile. I am the Cutlery Killer committing murder in the first degree, she mused.

The subtle seduction of gluttony holds her prisoner; cutlery merely a tool.  This Mistress of mayhem seldom bites off more than she can chew. She roams about seeking victims unaware who will acquiesce to an insatiable need to let her eat cake.  Beware that deadly first bite.

… If Menopause Were a Theme Park

Since I’ve recently published a daily devotional book that deals with losing weight, healthy eating and conquering self-esteem issues, I’m finding that I think about what’s going on in my body (and to my body) a lot. I’ve been in this on-again/off-again semi-serious dating relationship with Mr. Menopause for the better part of a decade so what’s happening to my body is front and center reminding me daily that I’m not a young woman any more.

While most of what happens to a woman’s body during this special time of our lives (pfftt … like we didn’t hear that lie when we were going through puberty) isn’t a laughing matter, I’ve discovered that if I don’t laugh about it, I’d spend every waking moment hosting a pity party (table for one).  Menopause symptoms have a way of reducing me to tears and occasional self-loathing.  Some days it’s difficult to leave the house. What is a girl supposed to do?

… She starts thinking that the change of life would be a lot more enjoyable if menopause was a fun place to visit – like Disneyland.  If menopause were a theme park, adventure seekers would be greeted at the front gate by Mr. Menopause and Mr. Gravity; the official Menopause Land ambassadors.  This diplomatic duo would present you with the official Menopause Land tee shirt that is equipped with a specially designed muffin top that encircles your waistline acting as a personal floatation device.  Hold on to that PFD because you’ll need it in the event of unexpected water emergencies that occur with regularity during excessive laughter, sneezing and/or bouts of coughing.

The “adventure” begins with … WOOT! WOOT! ALL ABOARD The Change Train that will loop the park making various stops for attractions and exhilarating rides for thrill seekers.  The first stop in the park will be Insomnia Island where we leave the train and board a boat to circle a moat that goes round and round and round with no clear destination in mind.  We’re tossed and turned on the wavy moat for seven or eight hours until we’re so tired all we want to do is sleep. Just as we’re about to drift off for a dreamless respite, we’re awakened by ear-piercing alarms and rudely ejected and forced to re-board The Change Train.

A few of the other stops along the train route are: Booty Falls, The Neighborhood of Night Sweats, the Hot Flash Zone, The Hall of Dressing Room Mirrors and Celibate Station.  Some of the favorite thrill rides include The Bladder Sling, The Mammo Smasher and everyone’s favorite, The Pap Smear Coaster.

Just as Mickey Mouse is synonymous with Disneyland as the official Magic Kingdom mascot, Menopause Land has its own mascot, or more appropriately, mascots.  The mascots of Menopause Land are seven dwarfs named: Frumpy, Bumpy, Lumpy, Grumpy, Weepy, Sleepy and Dopey. 

We meet Frumpy dwarf when we visit Saggy Junction. This is the land where you are made to feel as unattractive as possible while sporting your PFD.  Frumpy bestows upon you lovely complimentary park souvenirs which consist of saggy breasts, droopy buttocks and under arm skin flab. These “souvenirs” are publicly displayed when you visit The Hall of Dressing Room Mirrors where you’re forced to view your frumpiness from every conceivable angle under glaring lights.

Bumpy dwarf sprinkles you with the fairy dust of Menopause Land which is a combination of liver spots and strawberry colored moles that dot your body from head-to-toe and are lovingly referred to as “old lady moles.”

Lumpy dwarf waves his magic wand and deposits pockets of cellulite helter-skelter in prominent places over your body concentrating on the backs of your thighs, your upper arms, stomach and your droopy buttocks.

Grumpy dwarf beats you with an ugly stick causing you to growl at passersby with little or no provocation which is followed by raging tirades of snarky repartee and cynicism.

Weepy dwarf just wants to give you a hug that makes you cry and you don’t even know why.  Sleepy dwarf hypnotizes you and leads you around in a yawning funk teasing you with the promise of a nap that never comes.  And Dopey Dwarf just makes fun of you and makes you feel stupid because you can’t remember why you even boarded the train in the first place or what you’re supposed to do while you’re there.

The only way to procure expulsion from Menopause Land is to successfully evade the clutches of the park’s evil nemesis:  Aunt Flo and her faithful dog, Spot. If you can avoid any and all contact with this pesky pair for 12 consecutive months you are given a “get out of menstrual bondage” free card and granted immediate release from the park.

If you think you’re too young to worry about being forced aboard The Change Train, beware!  Mr. Menopause and Mr. Gravity roam about hoping to catch women in their 30s unawares. They’ve also been known to stalk women well into their sixties.  No one is immune!

If you don’t find any of this the least bit amusing and think I’ve slipped off the deep end and am writing utter garbage; in my defense I’ve been triple-teamed this week and am being held hostage by Sleepy, Weepy and Dopey who are forcing me to ramble incoherently while trying to make sense of the hostile takeover happening in my middle-age body.

Perhaps menopause wouldn’t be considered such a depressing malady if we were promised something exciting at the end of the journey. You know … like the perky breasts we end up with once we’re through puberty.  Alas, all that we’re left with once we’ve safely navigated our way through menopause is facial hair and saggy breasts that we can conveniently tuck in the waistband of our jeans.  If there is bright side though, at least our muffin top will have plenty of company!

As always … Happy Reading …

Kathy K.

 

“A cheerful disposition is good for your health;
gloom and doom leave you bone-tired.”

Proverbs 17:22 (The Message Bible)