It’s rare – those days when you wake up and the stars and the universe align, and you feel … reasonably good. The aches and pains of the night before somehow miraculously banished to the netherworlds, resulting in part, to a rare Good. Night’s. Sleep. That in and of itself is nothing short of a minor miracle.
The universal super-alignment extends to a productive workout, and a healthy, satisfying breakfast. The goodwill “Hat Trick” is completed with a post-shower perfect hair day! You’re tempted to buy a lottery ticket as this level of benevolence rarely occurs within the span of one 24-hour period. Like – never!
And then … all it takes is for something simple, so utterly benign to derail your feel-good-all-is-well-with-the-world happy existence. A trip to the grocery store was my undoing recently. I wasn’t undone because of the rising cost of EVERYTHING essential and required to sustain a regular existence these days. (Although, that IS alarming!) No – the ultimate killjoy, fun-sucker of self-confidence and moderately normal self-esteem was the customer camera at the Walmart self-checkout aisle. Oy vey! IS THAT WHAT I REALLY LOOK LIKE???
It’s not just Walmart either – but Target has a fun-sucker camera as does the drive-through at my local bank. There are cameras EVERYWHERE filming our every clumsy, awkward, embarrassing movements. Somebody somewhere is always watching and capturing our images that can be zoomed in on and enhanced for clarity.
I know that this endless surveillance is to be expected given the day and age in which we live. But come on, why are these camera images designed to make us all look like we’re practicing for jailhouse mug shots?
I came home from my joyless shopping trip feeling like I’d just been called the fat ugly, bucktoothed girl in junior high. (Sigh, yes that girl was me.) Whenever I start to wrestle with this outer shell I inhabit, the thoughts that pop into my head are never all of the wonderful compliments I’ve received – but all of the nasty unkind things people have said about me over the years. Sometimes it just takes a certain look from someone to make you feel that rejection and transport you back in time to when you looked your worst.
In these moments, instinct pushes me towards my standard go-to response when I feel all the bad feels. I automatically rush to the fridge or pantry. My factory setting reverts to that self-destruct autopilot and the urge to binge anything sweet, salty, crunchy or chewy consumes me. It’s a “release the Kraken” monster with a mind of its own.
I DIDN’T indulge – but the feelings and urges were palpable. Luckily, I had enough wherewithal to stop and analyze my emotions. For someone who has always turned to food in a crisis, chaos or basically every event that requires any type of emotions, be they good, bad or ugly, STOPPING myself BEFORE a food binge while I ponder a little self-analysis can be a Herculean effort.
The feelings and emotions and the urge to binge is a constant reminder that I have this defect within me that I will likely never be completely healed from. With any type of addiction, it can be very dangerous territory when you start to think you’re cured. I’ve crossed that particular threshold many times. It doesn’t have to be anything as severe as an eating disorder, alcohol or drugs. The devil can weaponize just about anything to keep us in bondage. I have a friend who is addicted to gambling and another who can’t stop overspending on credit cards, and yet another friend who lives in the neighborhood of “what if?” She runs on high-octane worry wasting all of her today moments stressing over things that may never happen.
For me, I’ve lived with binge eating followed by obsessive exercise to counteract the excess food consumption since I was a young pre-teen girl. I’ve been around this mountain so many times, I refer to the crash and burn (or near crash and burn) as the “Vishy-cycle,” because repeating stupid self-destructive behavior, IS an oft-repeated vicious cycle that pulls you into a tornado of self-destruction. I’m so tired of the Vishy-cycle!
In order to divert my mind from falling into the self-loathing pit I spent some time with the Lord in the Word. I was encouraged by a Scripture in Hebrews 5:8:
“Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.” (NLT)
This is one of those Scriptures I’ve likely read many times, but somehow standing on the precipice of another near Vishy-cycle meltdown, the words jumped off the page. Think about what the Apostle Paul is saying. Jesus, the actual SON OF GOD, with omnipotent power had TO LEARN to be obedient! If the Son of God had to learn and practice obedience – is it any wonder that we mere humans are challenged in the area of obedience?
For me personally, I want to be better, do better, live better. I want to love more, complain less, trust God more and walk according to faith rather than being led about by my weak, inadequate flesh.
6 Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living. Romans 6:5 (NLT)
The following verses are probably my most favorite in the New Testament. (Top 5 at the very least!) This passage is taken from Romans 7:14-25. The Apostle Paul explains why we are doomed to repeat the Vishy-cycle far better than I ever could:
14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
THANK GOD, Jesus Christ is the only one who can free me from the Vishy-cycle. Therapy (although good at times), self-help books, podcasts or retreats, WW meetings or AA meetings can’t completely fix what is wrong with us. Only Jesus can free us from the bondages of addiction, sin and nasty bad habits that continually rear their ugly heads.
Yes, I believe God can heal me, but I constantly have to ask him to help me in my unbelief. (Mark 9:24) God’s healing can come through many different channels. All of the above-mentioned things can help us in part. I have to do my part by utilizing the resources available to me. Medication and meetings do help to keep me grounded and on the right path. Usually, it’s when I think I’m free and don’t need all of that outside influence that I begin to stumble. The vishy-cycle tornado pulls me in effortlessly when I THINK I don’t need help.
Like Jesus – I have to learn to be obedient and there are days I am a very poor student.
To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction. Proverbs 12:1 (NLT)
I need to be schooled every single day, lest I stumble and fall.
23 Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me. 24 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. 25 And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed? Luke 9:23-25 (NLT)
Do you have a vishy-cycle bondage that makes you vulnerable to swirling tornados of self-destruction? One that has you despising yourself as you repeat bad habits and behavior you thought you’d already conquered?
There is no time like the present to accept Jesus into your life and let him have total control over all the things you loathe about yourself. Say “YES” to Jesus and surrender your Vishy-cycle today! Jesus will not automatically fix everything that is broken in your life. He is not a genie in a lamp granting wishes, after all.
Jesus can make life more tolerable by giving you a road map and book of instructions in his Holy Word. Jesus can give you peace and strength to get through the hard things even when things are crumbling around you. Jesus wants to walk beside you through every day, every event, every crisis and every other thing that goes on in your life. Say yes to Jesus today. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I look up to the mountains—does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! 3 He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Psalm 121:1-3 (NLT)
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
When there’s a setback, someone with a fixed mindset will start thinking, ‘Maybe I don’t have what it takes?’ They may get defensive and give up. A hallmark of a successful person is that they persist in the face of obstacle, and often, these obstacles are blessings in disguise. ~ Carol S. Dweck
Kathleen Kurlin 